I got ready for work this morning not knowing if I was going or not.

Punkin had the goopy eye last night that signals the dreaded Pink Eye. Dreaded because she is not supposed to be in school with it. Dreaded because, although she may not have any other symptoms, she can be booted out and my day can be turned upside down in an instant. Dreaded because it is highly contagious.

Hubby and I put drops in (it takes at least two adults to effectively administer eye drops to a toddler) and she went to bed. At that point, I mentally prepared myself to not go in to work today. Hubby commented that "she will be fine" which I already knew because I figured I wasn't going. It's convoluted logic, but it's usually true. In cases like this, if I know I'm not going in to work, I'll end up going in.

The next morning, I got dressed, fixed my hair, applied the spackle and paint (makeup) and went in to wake up Punkin who had been moaning off and on in her sleep for the past forty-five minutes. She rolled over as I turned on the light and I leaned over her warm and sleepy form to look at her eye. One look would tell me whether or not I'd be a full-time Mommy or a full-time Executive Assistant today. If she could just lean a little bit…there! Hm. Well, there's some sleep in the corner of her eye, but…well…um. I don't have a definitive answer. Damn. Now I have to go with my gut. My gut doesn't have an answer either. Do we stay or do we go?

After a struggle, I was able to get a drop or two more medicine in her eye, and still I pondered. We could stay home. I don't have anything pressing at work, the boss is out of town, her eye is a little itchy looking, we could see the doctor, visit Daddy at lunch, maybe paint and watch the Big Bear today. Oh! Take a nap! I, er, we could take a nap today.

On the other hand, she could go to school, and I could go to work. She seems fine otherwise, and actually, it doesn't seem like her eye is bothering her too much. She's had two doses of medicine, she'll be ok. Right? Yeah…sure. She'll be fine. I think.

She was her normal chatty self in the car on the way to school. Just another toddler eating her graham crackers and drinking her water while clutching her blankey. I think I made the right decision. Didn't I?

Dropping her off at school hasn't been easy this week. In a perfect world we cuddle for a bit, and then walk to the door of her room and hug and kiss and wave through the window as I leave. This week we've cuddled and she curls up in a ball on the floor by the door with her blanket, comforted by a teacher as I leave. Today was no different, except… did she feel warm? I couldn't tell. Her nose is running and she has sneezed a couple of times in the past few days. Is she more sensitive than usual today? I don't know.

I walk away feeling like I have to play this out now. I could just go in there and get her, but is she really sick or just pouting because I'm leaving? Is she well enough to be in school? Is she sick enough to stay home? My heart and my head are at odds with each other and I'm confused about what to do. I don't feel so confident today.

I sit at work and feel like I've done the wrong thing. If she's sick, she's too little to 'suck it up' and 'shake it off'. On the other hand, sometimes when I don't feel good, I go in to work with the plan that I can always come home if I don't feel better later. Will she feel better later? Will I?

I tell myself if I have this much anxiety over the decision, it wasn't the right one. Add it up, Kel. Goopy eye, runny nose, sensitive attitude and health over the last few days, slight fever? And you brought her to school?! (" Here's your sign") Well, gosh brain, when you put it all together like that… But am I seeing things that aren't there? Am I being an over-protective 'smother?"

That's it… She's only been at school for an hour, so I'll wait another 30 minutes and then I'm calling over there to see how she's doing. Or in 15 minutes, after I finish my daily orange juice. Or now. Now's good.

After I called, I still didn't have any answers. The teacher (whom I trust) says Punkin has been doing fine, playing and laughing and interacting with the other kids. That helps a little, I can refocus on work, but I'm still worried. I'll call around noon.

I called again after Punkin should have been down for her nap. She's apparently feeling fine. So fine, in fact, that she was playing and acting silly and giggling on her cot while the rest of her friends had already fallen asleep.

So, I guess she really is doing fine. Just me being a worry-wart of a Mom. (Although her teacher told me that 'something' is sweeping through her classroom this week. Punkin is probably the healthiest of all her kids.)

I can't shake the feeling, though that something just isn't quite right. I also can't seem to shake the tickle at the back of my throat. Maybe it's me who's getting sick, despite my daily orange juice.

Later this afternoon I got a call from Punkin's teacher to say that her eye is looking a little glossy and puffy and red. "If it continues" the teacher said, "she'll have to see the doctor." Well, it sure wasn't puffy this morning.

We ended up at the doctor's office after all. Yup, he confirmed that she had "conjunctivitis" (pink eye) and prescribed more drops for her. She has a slight temperature, her nose is still runny, and she's still sneezing. Other than that, she's one healthy kid.

I wish there was more I could do for her to make her feel better. Maybe that's why I worry, because there's nothing else I can do. Bleh. Sometimes this parenting thing is for the birds… I'm going to bed. I'm tired.

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