My sister, Dit, works in the travel industry. She has booked several trips for family members, including me during her career. She has been to Vietnam, Argentina, Paris, Florida, California, and most recently Bermuda (not her first time there.) Me? I get to travel between three or four counties with the occasional trip over the state line (about 30 minutes away). In the past two years, the "Three Ring Circus" has traveled to Florida (so you can count a bunch of states in there) and Hubby and I traveled to Las Vegas once on business (really!) without Punkin. Every time my sister asks if I/we want to go somewhere, we respectfully decline.

This time, I didn't. Dit and I don't really get together for road trips. Our last one was back in 1993, I think. A virtual lifetime ago. About a month ago, however, I made a conscience decision that this summer I would take one or two "mini-vacations" for myself, where I wasn't on "toddler time" or work time. Just me and someone; a relative, a friend or maybe just me. I haven't given myself "permission" to do this in the past, and it is about time I did. I can't imagine Punkin saying "Sure, Mom. Go off by yourself for the day. I'll be alright here with Father." If I even look tired she tells me not to fall asleep.

Dit suggested a couple of dates and told me to think about destinations. I talked about it with Hubby and today I called Dit and asked "How 'bout Fiji?" (If I were going to Fiji, the rest of the Circus would be joining me. That would be a family trip, to be sure!)

Dit and I spent a few minutes searching destination ideas that needed to correspond with my "days off" and special airline deals. It wasn't easy, but we zeroed in on California, either Palm Springs or Catalina. I'll be coming home a little later than I wanted, but suddenly I was a ball of anticipation--and trepidation.

When Hubby and I went to Las Vegas, we left Punkin in the very capable hands of Grandma Millie and Aunt Shelley. I hear that Punkin barely asked about us while we were away, and had ears only for Daddy when we called. I was a wreck with separation anxiety for the first two days of our trip. That was the first time we had left her overnight anywhere. How am I going to feel when both of them are at home, having fun without me? Am I going to kick myself and wonder why I was so insistent on this "silly trip?"

On the other hand, when am I going to have this opportunity again? Hubby goes for overnight trips with his brother and/or friends a few times a year without even worrying about what Punkin and I will be doing in his absence. He never asks permission or approval from me for these jaunts of his. Why do I feel like I have to? He kiddingly told me he "didn't approve" of my trip. I laughed and told him I wasn't asking for approval. His eyebrows rose and he grinned in reply.

Will I feel terribly guilty for "abandoning" my husband and child whilst I fly off across the country to (gasp!) have fun? Most certainly. (I have a friend who tells me that "Guilt is a useless emotion." Uh, thanks. That doesn't stop me from feeling it.) Will I miss my family? Absolutely, without a doubt. Will I be filled with second thoughts about leaving and want to cancel the whole thing at the last minute because it would just be easier for everyone if I stayed home? Hell, yeah. Will I wish I was at home with them when I call each night to see how their day was? You betchca.

I'll be lounging by a cool blue pool, my face tipped to the sun, eyes closed thanking God for this opportunity and the gifts He's given me, while attempting to reconcile the guilty pleasure I'll most certainly be feeling, just before I drift off for a mid-afternoon nap while the soft breeze blows over me. Yes sirree, that'll be me.

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